Brushing Up Against Impossible
The last two months have been hard. Like so difficult that I didn’t even know how to talk about the struggles, except in short and panicked emails to dear friends.
In the darkest moments I felt like no one was respecting my voice. I felt like I was throwing myself against a mountain in a limp and useless effort to try and move it.
I felt like I was struggling against a strong current. I had flashbacks of dreams of tidal waves that haunted my sleeping hours earlier this year. I was flooded by the sense memory of diving under waves only to emerge within seconds of another rolling, tumbling, massive wave. I felt trapped in a cycle of duck, surface, duck, surface, duck, surface and never quite able to catch my breath.
And that terrified me. Feeling so wildly out of control and unable to meet expectations made me feel broken.
Truth? I haven’t really exited this stage. I’m still terrified. I still feel broken. I still fear failure.
But, in the quiet moments of an early morning tuk-tuk ride I had a small breakthrough. I have expounded so much energy trying to catch myself before I hit the mountain; attempting to save myself right before I fail or I crash. And, this is wasted effort.
I am beginning to think that if I just commit to the collision (& to possible failure), that I might be increasing the odds of success. That if I just fall into this process, wholly, I could save myself.
Now I am trying to push myself to go all in, despite the overwhelming terror.