My Struggle To Believe I Am Enough
I’ve been using outward forces to distract myself from doing my real work. You see, my goal is to be an initiated woman. A woman who knows she is enough.
I want to get closer to the marrow of my own being. I want to be vulnerable and strong, generous and loving, intentional and accountable, wide and radiant.
I want to remain open and flexible, so that ideas can flow through me. I want the muses to visit, genius to enter, creation to take place. I want to be a tool of service. I want to channel greatness, execute with laser focus and exquisite attention to detail. I want to define my own success – written words read, talks given, connections made, a luminous light shining like a sun that never sets.
Instead of focusing on being enough —on doing my work and on continuing to strive towards my own ideas of success– I’ve been caught up in the shoulds. You know, the goals that sound good because other people (probably lots of other people) want them.
Problem #1: Sudden Zeal For Finding A Romantic Partner
I’ve found myself identifying a bit too strongly with Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother. Like Ted, when I met someone of the opposite sex, I immediately considered, could he be relationship material?
And, I didn’t really question this desire when it first cropped up. I sat in it, played it out, and let it roll for a few months. Recently, I’ve forced myself to consider this sudden newfound quest to be in a relationship.
When did I develop such intensity and enthusiasm for being partnered up? Well, ‘round about the time I started feeling like I was lacking connection in Siem Reap.
In July I went home for a month. I slept on the couches of my best friends abodes. I laughed until my belly ached. I stayed up ‘til the wee hours of the morning playing rockband, drinking Jaegerbombs, eating ice cream, and talking circles around each other. I communed with the people who mean the most to me.
When I returned to Siem Reap, I felt the acute loss of my support system. I couldn’t articulate it then, but I know it to be true now. For one month, I was enveloped in familiar love and wrapped in comfort. Then time ran out and I returned to my new home. Slowly, that blanket of awesomeness unraveled.
And, you know what? I cannot thrive without a spirit of in-it-togetherness.
My focus on finding a romantic partner is misdirected. What I need is a support system in Siem Reap. One that is as strong and fierce and loyal and loving as the one I left behind in the States.
This leads to…
Problem #2: I Lost My Way Socially
The thing about a good friend is that their presence calms, nurtures. Being with them is a positive boost. Laughing, talking, being near them brings me closer to my core. They point me home.
And, there are great people here. Wonderful, inspired, creative people who amaze me everyday.
I’ve sacrificed nourishing the connections that matter most in order to be involved in the scene. I spent too much time distractedly looking for a partner and too little time being present with friends.
The downside with being a wide-open book is that you have to surround yourself with people who are worthy. Friends who understand that vulnerability is strength and don’t try to take advantage of it. Comrades who get respect and love and support.
I need to find and cultivate my Siem Reap posse. My new on-the-ground support system. The individuals whose presence comforts me. The authentic dreamers who will let me push and back them. I want to engage the grounded souls who also seek connection and emotional intimacy.
The Crux Of The Problem
Until I am convinced I am enough, I won’t be able to tap into my own power. I won’t be able to find my tribe. And, I won’t be ready or capable of partnering someone else.
I believe strongly that being boldly authentic will lead me to my community. That following my instincts will propel me towards bliss. That being firmly rooted in a supportive system will allow me to flourish. In turn, thriving means being of service to others.
So, what will it take to believe that I am enough? In this moment, I think it requires being extremely intentional.
To that end, I give myself permission to:
…nurture myself unapologetically. Nights nesting with blankets and movies. Hours of being unreachable and unplugged.
…write. As a therapeutic form of processing. As a way of clarifying and divining. For the pure joy of putting my thoughts on the page.
…listen to my own instincts. To find my own way. To battle through the haze and maze in the way that seems right for me.
…say no to social obligations, even if I feel like I should attend. Should means I’m thinking about what I’d actually rather be doing. Should breeds resentment.
…bolster my friendships through one-on-one and small group interactions. It’s hard to feel connected at a table of 15. It’s easy to get caught up in which conversations you’re missing. I want to eliminate distractions in order to focus on what matters.
…drink less. (Don’t worry Mom, I don’t drink that much.) It’s difficult to foster connectivity while simultaneously navigating the raging hormones & self-doubt brought on by drinking.
…heed the warnings that bubble up from deep inside. To say no to people that seem tricky or untrustworthy. To distance myself from situations that just don’t feel right.
Consider today the beginning of the experiment.
Dear Reader, what helps you feel rooted in enoughness? Would love to hear your experiences in the comments.