The Brick Wall of Fear, Responsibility & Illness
I feel like I am being thrown against a brick wall. Not merely brushing up against one or walking into one. No, there is velocity. Speed. I am being catapulted at a brick wall and then crumbling to the floor in a hurt and wounded mess.
Is the brick wall fear? Fear of moving forward. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of making a decision and sticking to it. What if it’s the wrong decision?
Is the brick wall overwhelming responsibility? Responsibility to Dan who has invested in me and this company. Responsibility for the people we employ. Responsibility for moving things forward. The responsibility to create and then push that creation out into the world. Responsibilities that include my strengths, but also the things that make me feel weakened. (side note: Danielle LaPorte introduced me to this radical definition of weakness – the things that make you feel weakened. Doesn’t matter if you’re good at them. If they make you feel weakened, then they’re weaknesses.)
Is the brick wall illness? Chronic diarrhea (TMI, I know). Chronic parasite infections. Fatigue. The sense of feeling great until I suddenly feel terrible again. This unending cycle of being sick and not knowing how to get better. Am I getting re-infected? Did we fail to get rid of the original infection?
I’m trying to rest and recover while also feeling the weight of all my responsibilities. This is where anxiety enters. Overwhelming anxiety that keeps me up at night. Anxiety that spins what-if scenarios until dawn. Anxiety that paralyzes.
A friend recently told me not to give up. I’m not giving up. But, I also want to recognize the practicalities of this situation. I can’t move full-steam ahead. I can’t juggle everything. And is fighting and clawing to keep my head above water, to keep swimming, to keep moving only making things worse?
I don’t know how to move forward. But, it’s more than that. I’m not sure if I should move forward. Maybe I should sit right where I am and let my body heal and recover. But that’s hard to do without guilt and reminders of my overwhelming responsibilities. And, I don’t want to embrace inertia simply because I’m afraid. Afraid of the future and failure and making the wrong move.
I’m trying to work through the advice I’d give a friend in my situation, but I’m stumped. I can’t seem to remove myself and look at this scenario objectively. Right now, I’m not sure what to do.
This I know: I am worn down. I am afraid of failure. I am concerned about my health. I am anxious. I am lonely.